15 things you never want to hear again
by RandomCheeses
Summary: Travelling with The Doctor is always a bit risky. Even so there are some things you NEVER want to hear the Time Lord say again. First n a series.
1. 15 things: Entry 1&2

Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who

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_Having been invited to travel with the Doctor, you've seen a lot of crazy things over the last few days. However, right now the Doctor is sleeping off the effects of some alien drink that sends even Time Lords a little loopy. So you're at a bit of a loose end, wandering the halls of the Tardis. Entering through an elaborately decorated wooden door you find yourself in a library. Just as you've settled into a comfortable high-backed chair something falls from the bookshelf next to you and lands in your lap. It appears to be a battered, handwritten book bound in leather. There is a photo laminated to the front, of the Tardis with the Doctor and a brown-haired girl standing in front of it. They are both smiling happily at the camera. Flicking the book open you discover pasted in photos and pages that have been stapled on. Printed on the front page in capitals and underlined emphatically in red, are the words: 15 THINGS I **NEVER** WANT TO HEAR AGAIN!!_

_You decide to indulge your curiosity and begin to read the first page._

**Entry 1:**

So. . . My name's Sam (Well, Samantha really, but nobody calls me that anymore.) I've been travelling with the Doctor for a while now and I've come to the conclusion that there are certain things I hope never to hear him say again. I leave this journal as a warning for future 'companions' (as the Doctor describes us), so that they may recognise a . . ._ situation_. . . shall we say, and so they may be able to head off trouble before it starts. (This is unlikely, but you should at least try. It'll minimise the collateral damage. . .sometimes. . .)

The Doctor is never, ever to read this journal!! Important! OK? So don't leave it lying around! Remember to put it back on the bookshelf. The TARDIS has kindly agreed to make sure the Doctor never finds it if you just Put It Back On The Shelf. I think she has a . . .thing. . . about stuff being left on the floor. The Doctor is allowed to be messy (And how!!) but no one else is. It's just her . . .thing. . . OK? Go with it, because if HE reads this journal we'll never hear the end of it. Really. Never. (The Doctor has the worst case of verbal diarrhoea I've ever come across.)

The following entries in this journal are the results of a number of remarks our two-hearted time-travelling friend made to me during the period I spent travelling with him. Needless to say, there is a story attached to all of these remarks. Sometimes, but not always, there is a moral at the end of the story. Well. . . not so much a moral as a piece of cautionary advice that you'd better follow if you don't want to end up tied to a stake, slowly roasting while a hungry alien waits for dinner. Or don't follow it. It's up to you.

1."Umm...we're out of mercury." (The result of this particular remark involved mud. Copious amounts. I'll never get clean.)

2."Ah, I've lost the fluid links." (This occurred almost instantly after the incident caused by the first remark. Like Capt. Jack likes to say: "You've gotta be ready.")

3."That guy. . . yeah. . . he's the Master actually. . . What a pretentious name don't you think? What? What do you mean he's stolen the TARDIS?! Why didn't you say so?!" (This was a nightmare. A _metaphorical _nightmare unfortunately. As in, it happened while I was awake.)

4."Oh well, there goes another sonic screwdriver. Shame we're still stuck." (Sometime's he's so unconcerned about things that you just want to slap him. And it's good to _not_ resist the urge occasionally.)

5."Actually they want to make you their Queen. Sacrificial Queen that is." (Proving that there's a downside to being the ruler of paradise.)

6."Whoops. I think the TARDIS landed upside down. Never mind, I'm sure the slime will wash off." (This incident was another example of the Doctor's complete inability to pilot the TARDIS with any form of accuracy.)

7."Ooo. . . look at the shiny button! I want to press it!. . .Why are you staring at me like that?" (Never let him eat sugar. Trust me on this.)

8."I'm tired! Can't YOU save the world this time? Why do I always have to save it?" (I should've known something was wrong with him after hearing that. Still, it worked out in the end.)

9."ALL RIGHT! WHO STOLE MY BANANAS?" (That incident was just. . ._weird_. . . even for the Doctor.)

10."I've misplaced the TARDIS. Err. . . could you hold off the rampaging horde while I go look for it?" (Warning: the Doctor may seriously overestimate your abilities. This can lead to getting shot in the backside by lasers. It hurts like hell, so learn where the medical kit in the TARDIS is. It's the white box with the green crescent on the side. You're going to need it eventually. )

11."Sugar!!" (P.S. NEVER let him eat sugar. According to Capt. Jack this remark's especially dangerous when travelling with the Doctor in his current regeneration: Tall. Thin as a rake. Never wears anything other than pinstripe suits and converse trainers. Rude and not ginger. Critical case of verbal diarrhoea.)

12."Why are you looking at me like that? It's just a cup of coffee."(Another remark that precedes extreme danger when dealing with the current regeneration. I'll explain regeneration later. The Doctor tends to forget to mention that important detail of his biology. Those _two_ remarks proved it's best to keep the Doctor away from anything containing caffeine or sugar. Except tea for some reason. Tea is safe.)

13."Did I ever tell you about Rose? She was perfect in every way and I constantly compare everyone to her. I miss her sooo much!!" (He was drunk. Don't get him started about Rose.)

14."Rose always said that too!" /Sobs/ "How can you be so insensitive and unfeeling!" /Sobs further/ (_Very_ drunk. And possibly high on unspecified alien drugs.) Whatever you do: Don't Talk About Rose. Really. Do. Not. Mention. Rose. Ever. Unless you _want _to upset him, (which makes you an inconsiderate sod who shouldn't be on the TARDIS! I hope she drops you in the Vortex!) His lip starts to wobble and he makes an incredible effort not to bawl his eyes out. It's terrible to behold.

15."Captain Jack says hi. . . and a lot more besides. . . just what were you two doing before I rescued you last week? Hmm?" (Never do _anything _to encourage Captain Jack . . . on the other hand, doing nothing probably would encourage the Cap'n. So never mind that. Just try not to look too shocked when he does the 'Lazarus Routine'.)

Well, that's all the worst incidents I can think of. Read this journal and your trip in the TARDIS should be a lot less dangerous or life threatening as mine was. Of course you may prefer it otherwise. In which case you are a total nutter. Should you have your own cautionary tales to add please feel free to do so. The more stories and advice in here the less likely it is that successive companions will nearly be _burnt_ at the _stake._ (I'm not at all _bitter_ that my favourite jacket was ruined, I swear!!)

**Entry 2:**

"Umm. . .we're out of mercury".

This is one of the most important phrases, in what I have taken to calling 'Doctor-Speak' that means you should get ready for trouble with a capital T. (It occurs to me that the Doctor, in fact, doesn't do any other kind of trouble. It's always a full-blown disaster or nothing.) The reason for this is that without mercury the TARDIS won't move. At all. Not even an inch. So if he's just landed the TARDIS in some kind of post apocalyptic wasteland full of flesh-eating mutant-zombies, as he so often does, you'd better get comfortable. Because that's where it is going to stay until fresh mercury is acquired.

According to He-Who-Is-A-Trouble-Magnet-On-Legs A.K.A The Doctor, the TARDIS needs mercury in order to lubricate the fluid links, which power the hadron crystals. I have no understanding of technical things, so the first time he said explained this to me all I could think of was that it sounded kind of dirty. (Why yes, my mind _has_ bypassed the gutter and now lives in the sewer. How did you guess?) The Doctor still doesn't know why I started to snigger. Anyway I'm digressing; back to the precautionary tale we go!

Right. So there we are in the TARDIS and the poor thing has just come to a rather sudden stop. This was a worse than usual stop by the way. TARDIS travel always tends to make me a little nauseous but this time I was seriously considering throwing up. (Again.) Except, if I did that, then the TARDIS would be mad at me. She does _not_ like vomit on the floor. Trust me when I say that having the TARDIS upset with you is a zillion times worse than having the Doctor mad at you. I don't care if he _is_ Ka-Faraq-Gatri and the Oncoming Storm, at least _he _won't redirect the plumbing while you're right in the middle of a hot shower. Not if he knows what's good for him that is. . . The TARDIS on the other hand, can be creatively vindictive when it comes to expressing her disapproval at you. And believe me she _will_ express herself._ Never_ mistake the TARDIS for a lifeless machine. Just don't.

Anyway, according to He-Who-Is-More-Intelligent-Than-Einstein, the emergency stop cuts in when the TARDIS is nearly out of mercury. Apparently she automatically lands as quickly as possible near the closest source of said element. If she _doesn't_ land quickly enough and runs out of mercury while still in the Vortex the fluid links explode from pressure, something called the helmic regulator snaps, the TARDIS both implodes _and_ explodes (don't ask me, I didn't understand that either) and random bits of the Doctor and yours truly get scattered throughout time and space. So running out of mercury is A Very Bad Thing. In the words of the man himself: "It'd all be rather unpleasant Sam".

Actually, now is probably a good time to mention Mr. Trouble-Magnet's talent for understatement. Believe me when I tell you that understanding the difference between what he _means_ and what he _says_ is a vital skill. The above-mentioned explanation of what happens if the TARDIS doesn't land in time is a good example. As is the time we were on a planet named Volog 8 . . . I think. . . and he said, "there's nothing to worry about Sam, really! Her Highness just got a little upset with me the last time I was here. We should probably leave quietly". What he _meant _was "She wants me dead and you fried on a plate for dessert. Run!" Whoops I'm digressing again. Sorry. Bad habit. Still, you need to know about these things.

OK. So there we are. We've just landed, I'm feeling nauseous and the Doctor, having noticed the colour of my face, is looking around frantically for the anti-nausea pills in a spirited bid to prevent a repeat of 'The Vomit Incident' (I swear, you throw up on one pair of his Converse trainers and you're marked for life!) Anyway He-Who-Never-Wears-Anything-_But_-Converse finds the pills, hands them to me and suggests we go outside for a breath of fresh air and possibly a breath of fresh mercury too. It was at this point that I made the mistake of pointing out that mercury is poisonous, and was immediately on the receiving end of a Look for my trouble. It's what I call the 'why do I keep picking up such dumb humans? Look. It's a sort of pitying look that says he already knows what you just told him and why haven't you got a better sense of humour? Be warned, he uses it a lot.

We step outside and surprise, surprise we're on Earth, in London. As usual. I'm not sure about this but I've noticed that, ninety percent of the time, when something is seriously out of whack we tend to end up on Earth and in London (or occasionally Cardiff). All of time and space we've got, yet almost every emergency tends to take place on Earth. It's as if those two cities are connected to some kind of giant weirdness magnet.

"Cosmic irony Sam, cosmic irony" opined the Doctor when I mention this to him. He's even less understandable when I ask him what the hell he means by that. Just gives me another one of his 'a human intellect wouldn't be able to grasp it' excuses.

I'm getting fed up at this point so I threaten to slap him if he doesn't start making sense. Oddly enough this tactic seems to work and he gets a nervous look on his face for a second before suddenly stating that we really should go find some mercury because he doesn't want to keep the TARDIS waiting. Why someone known variously as 'The Oncoming Storm' and 'The Lonely God' should be afraid of getting slapped still puzzles me, but I did think that I heard him mutter something about 'it's like travelling with a junior version of Jackie'. However I still wasn't feeling a hundred percent so I decided to let the issue slide. Instead I suggested we go buy a mercury thermometer, since just buying mercury on it's own makes people suspicious seeing as it's poisonous. The Doctor gave me one of his trademark 'you're a brilliant companion' grins and told me that it was a great idea.

I'd spotted a hardware shop down the street so we headed towards it. Passing a rather dingy alley on the way I remarked how I wouldn't want to walk home that way on a dark night. It was at this point that we heard a scream coming from the alley. Right on cue, the Doctor grinned.

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Review, please n thank you?


	2. 15 things: Entry 3&4

Disclaimer: I have not yet taken over Doctor Who. The BBC still owns it. For now...

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**Entry 3:**

Where was I again? Oh yeah. . . Out of mercury, nauseous, hardware shop and sudden scream from the alleyway. Right then. So there we were opposite this dingy and rather foreboding alleyway on our way to the hardware shop in the hopes of acquiring a mercury thermometer. And then we hear this scream. He-Who-Thrives-On-Life-Threatening-Situations ran straight into the alley towards the sound of course, and with a certain amount of resignation I followed. What? Don't look so surprised. I happen to have a perfectly healthy sense of self-preservation OK? Just because I don't rush eagerly after the Doctor doesn't mean I'm a coward or a bad person! Dark, dingy alleyway, screams, well it's not exactly a combination to inspire confidence is it? Plus I was still feeling a little nauseous.

I wonder about it sometimes, you know? The coincidences in the Doctor's life I mean, not the nausea. (I'm well aware of the cause of _that._) It's just. . . if anyone else had been passing the alleyway at that moment on their way to buying a piece of heat-measuring equipment, chances are they would've heard nothing. The Doctor is passing it and the next thing you know the air is full of screams and our trip to the hardware shop to buy a mercury thermometer is postponed in favour of investigating the mysterious screams of alien origin. They're always of alien origin. _Always. _Er. . . except when they're not. But that doesn't happen often. Except for that time in Swansea. But let's not get into that now.

So anyway, I ran after the Doctor into the alleyway and because I'm a few seconds behind him, by the time I get to the 'scene-of-the-crime' as it were, it's all over. Turns out that He-Whose-Hair-Never-Stays-Tidy didn't see much either though. Just the flash of a humanoid shape disappearing in some kind of teleport. Screaming obviously. "Nothing left" the Doctor pointed out "except for that goo that you're standing in Sam". I looked down and right where I'd put my feet was the most foul-smelling brown sludge I've ever come across (and I've been to the landfills of Jagon V, so that's saying something!) I looked back up at the Doctor and he gave me his most charming smile. His own precious converse trainers were conspicuously free of the foul gunk. I felt like kicking him.

Since I am a rational, responsible, adult human being I managed to refrain from kicking the Doctor in the shin with my gunk-covered shoe. Since I am also an impatient, immature teenager I settled for loudly asking him "_what the hell is going on_?" For once, he had no idea. That didn't last long though. He soon got out the sonic screwdriver and started to scan the goop. Since I've brought that up I might as well just say it: All I could think right then was: who looks at a screwdriver and thinks 'ooh this could be a little more sonic!' In a bad mood because of my ruined shoes I mentioned this thought to the Doctor. He gave me a weird look and muttered something about making sure I never meet Jack, to which I replied "huh? Who's Jack?" I didn't get an answer to this. In fact he ignored me completely in favour of his scanning. I think I'd upset him by insulting the sonic screwdriver. Next to the TARDIS it's his favourite toy.

So important note for you future companions: Don't insult the sonic screwdriver or the TARDIS, but mostly the TARDIS because she's alive and will wreak her own revenge. (You'll never get another hot shower again.)

The Doctor was still scanning the gunk but it didn't look like he was getting any result. So he did what he always does in such situations: he licked the gunk. I swear I'm not kidding. This goo is the foulest thing I have ever seen and he _licked_ it! The man has a serious oral fixation. He tries to lick almost everything! This time he made a disgusted face almost immediately and started to spit frantically, but I could tell by the satisfied look he was wearing in between disgusted spits that he'd got a lead on our screaming teleporting alien. However it didn't look like I was going to get any information out of him until he'd got the sludge taste out of his mouth, so I gave him my emergency bottle of water and told him to keep it. Why? Because I don't want to drink out of a bottle that will forever taste of that goop that's why! And don't tell me that you weren't thinking of the question.

Gunk taste finally dispersed from his mouth He-Who-Licks-Anything-Remotely-Edible gave me a big beaming grin and informed me that we were dealing with the Galikafobians of Galikafob V. Apparently the Galikafobians of Galikafob I to IV are far too busy coining money on the intergalactic postcard market to bother doing something as boring as planetary invasion. My incredibly eloquent response to this earth-shattering information was "huh?" It's not because I didn't get it though, it's because _acting_ as if I'm confused makes the Doctor slow down and give the info-dump on alien species that I could see coming, in smaller and more manageable bits. Really. Honest.

"The Galiks are your basic mud men actually, Samantha" The Doctor informed me, going into teacher mode. "Their standard method of planetary invasion is to abduct important people and take their place leaving only excess residue-the goop- behind. The Galiks are shape shifters."

"Well isn't that special. Earth is being invaded by a whole species of Clayfaces. Yay. Now all we need is Batman to come and rescue us. And quit calling me Samantha. You know I hate that."

Now it's the Doctor's turn to go "huh?" This is because despite He-Who-Is-A-Million-Times-Smarter-Than-Me's great knowledge of late 20th and early 21st century pop culture he still has a few blind spots. DC comics are one of those blind spots. Mental Note: Introduce the Doctor to Smallville. Superman is the last of his kind too. Maybe The Doctor can relate? Then again . . . perhaps not. Anyway the Doctor was in his Mr. Exposition role again and was explaining that, once the Galiks had sufficient numbers of important positions under their control they'd call in the mothership, destroy our defences and take over. The standard hostile alien MO in other words. My response to this piece of info was to point out that the person who just got assimilated-or-whatever hadn't sounded much like a prime minister or an army general. In fact the poor sod had been a tramp as far as I could tell from the scattered bits of rubbish and the torn sleeping bag.

"Mmm" The Doctor agreed. "He was probably a trial subject. Each time the Galiks come across a new species they have to do a few test runs first in order to assemble a proper template to shift into. They must only be in the very beginning phase of their invasion here. Which is lucky for us and unlucky for them because as usual I have brilliant plan!"

So he has a brilliant world saving plan. That's great. In fact it's so great that I say, "That's great".

"Yep! All we have to do now is get captured!"

"Say _what_!?"

**Entry 4:**

So. . . quick recap then on the current repercussions of The Doctor's "Umm. . . we're out of mercury" comment.

1: The TARDIS was out of mercury, couldn't move and I was still a little nauseated from the rough landing.

2: There were evil mud men bent on taking over the world, walking around disguised as regular people.

3: The Doctor's supposedly brilliant plan to save Earth from the mudmen involved us, i.e. me and He-Whose-Last-Minute-Plans-Are-Always-Insanely-Dangerous purposely letting ourselves be caught by said mud men.

This whole scenario did not fill me with confidence and I said as much to the Doctor, adding in the fact that as soon as the Galiks had copied our forms we'd end up as lunch and anyway where were we supposed to go to let them catch us? Unfortunately I said all this in the horrible squeaky voice I get when I'm panicking that makes me sound like a fool. But I felt that I'd found some legitimate flaws in the Doctor's plan so the embarrassment caused by said squeaky voice could be overlooked. This was a mistake on my part.

The Doctor simply gave me a reassuring look and calmly explained that like the Zygons, the Autons and _unlike_ the Slitheen, the Galiks relied on something called body print technology. Basically they need to top up on DNA from a _living_ specimen in order to maintain their borrowed forms. Simply put, they'd have to keep us alive. And we wouldn't be lunch. Humans taste 'yucky' apparently. (How does _he _know that eh? That's what I want to know!) As for finding them, well. . . apparently their mud (still covering my shoes and hardening fast by the way) was giving off some sort of psychic resonance signal that He-Who-Thinks-Of-Everything could track with the sonic screwdriver. We'd find them easily. Cue his smug 'I'm-so-very-clever' smile. (I swear, one day I _will_ slap him for being so damn clever all the time.)

This is something you've got to watch out for. You think you have a perfectly logical reason why the Doctor's plan won't work, something that he's overlooked. Thing is, he doesn't overlook things. His plans, however mad they _sound _are designed to work and trying to poke holes in them will only leave you looking and sounding a bit of a twat. It's hard, but you future companions have got to remember something that I didn't at this particular moment: the Doctor, despite having the attention span of a five-year-old on a sugar high, is a _genius_ and he's been saving the planet for nearly 900 years now. He's had lots of experience so he's very _good at it_. Of course it's hard to remember this when you're standing next to him knowing that three minutes ago he was licking dirt straight off the ground, but you've got to try. Otherwise, like I was, you will be on the receiving end of his patronising 'I'm a Time-Lord, of course I know what I'm doing you silly young human' Look.

So there I was, feeling rather embarrassed and a little irritated that he hadn't mentioned all this body print technology stuff _before_ I'd gone and made a complete fool of myself when something else occurred to me. We still hadn't got any mercury for the TARDIS. What if we ended up needing her for a quick escape? (You can tell where this is going, can't you?) The hardware shop was only over the street. It'd take all of two minutes to buy a mercury thermometer. I didn't want to bring up the issue seeing as how He-Who-Plans-For-Every-Occasion had demolished my earlier argument but I thought I'd better, just in case. Unfortunately for both of us he shot my idea down flat, saying we had a planet to save and how we'd acquire some mercury later. This is something else you need to know about Trouble-On-Legs. While it's not in his nature to overlook things he can get the _teensiest_ bit overconfident. Every time he is overconfident it _will _come back to bite both of you in the butt. Guaranteed.

OK then. So I was still standing in the alley while the Doctor fiddled with the sonic screwdriver in an effort to get it to pick up the 'psychic resonance he mentioned. Three seconds later he gives a cry of "Aha! Got it" and off we go. Following this psychic resonance trail wasn't exactly a picnic though. I'm not sure but I think we walked two-thirds of the way across London. We ended up in a park-cum-playground. Slides, swings, kiddies trying their best to kill each other over whose turn it is, exasperated parents trying to separate them. All the hallmarks of a nice day out. Needless to say, there was a complete lack of evil mud men. We looked around the park for about two hours and completely failed to spot any Galiks. It was getting dark and now the Doctor had a puzzled look on his face. " I don't understand it." he glowered. "They should be right here. My calculations were exact!"

I suggested that maybe, just maybe, he might have made a tiny miscalculation. But the Doctor just shook his head forcefully. "No Sam, there's no mistake, the psychic resonance led right heaahhh!" That was the point where the mud men grabbed us from behind. They hit me on the back of the head, so I blacked out. To this day the Doctor still claims they didn't knock him out because they recognised his superior intellect could be useful to them. Personally I think they just gave up hitting him after finding out he has a very thick head er, I mean skull. . . Ahahaha. . .

The following events I had to take the Doctor's word for, what with me being unconscious and all. I still think he's exaggerating though.

According to He-Who-Was-Saving-Planets-While-I-Was-Still-In-Nappies the Galiks who'd grabbed us had a base _underneath_ the playground. Like, how original! A secret underground base! Gasp! What inventive genius! No one's ever thought of _that_ before! Anyway, leaving behind the extensive sarcasm before it takes over my brain, we were apparently dragged in front of the Galik leader. This is where the Doctor's story makes me a bit suspicious. He claims that the Galik leader recognised his superior intellect and ordered that we be imprisoned because the Doctor was too dangerous to be replaced by an assimilated Galik.

In the professional opinion of He-Who-Claims-He-Saved-The-Earth-In-His-Pyjamas, if he'd been put in the assimilation module (or whatever it's called, I wasn't really listening) his vast Time-Lord intelligence would have made the machine explode because it was only in a primary usage stage. (Whatever that means. I was never very good at technical stuff). You can believe the Doctor's explanation if you like. My personal theory is that he started talking at them, wouldn't shut up and in desperation, fearing for their sanity, they chucked us both in that smelly earthen cell that was completely _covered_ in the stuff that had destroyed my shoes. Did I mention it smelled even worse than the gunk in the alley? It was right around that time that I woke up. We were underground, in the dark, in a very small cell. Did I also mention I have claustrophobia?

Here's the situation then: We were both in a very small, enclosed dark space and my claustrophobia was kicking in. It started to get hard for me to breathe and just when I thought I was going to start screaming "Let me out!" like a demented patient in a straitjacket at an asylum the Doctor took my head in his hands and looked straight into my eyes. That meant that I had to look directly into his and suddenly no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't look away. Now, I know that the Doctor spoke to me, but I still can't remember what it was he said. All I remember is looking into his face and feeling the fear I have of the dark small places fade away. When the Doctor let go of my head the enclosed walls no longer bother me. Not at all. Of course now that I was temporarily cured of claustrophobia it meant that I could fully appreciate the Smell. It was unbelievably bad. The landfills on Jagon V were a picnic compared to this. I started to gag because I had been thrown on the floor, so of course my clothes were covered with the filth. Even the Doctor looked ill. Then I remembered my mints.

Never in my life have I been so happy to find a half open tube of extra strong mints in my pocket. I offered one to the Doctor and he accepted it with a relieved smile, popping it into his mouth. Then he started to choke so I whacked him on the back and he coughed out the mint. Then he gave me another Look.

"Sam, what exactly was_ that_? And don't tell me it was a mint, because I've tasted mints before, proper strong mints, and that was _not_ a mint! It was poison, it was a WMD, it was..."

I cut across his tirade at this juncture by pointing out that it was, in fact, a proper mint. "My brother makes them, Doctor. Brendan's Homemade Mints they're called."

The Doctor stared at me. "People pay? For these? They're strong enough to make your sinus' explode!! How can you smell anything?"

I grinned happily at the Doctor feeling that a great deal of payback for the destruction of my shoes and the filth on my clothes had just been achieved. "You can't. So are you going to stand there all day with your mouth open Doc or are you going to use the screwdriver to open the door? And if you don't mind I'd like to be let in on the rest of the plan. I'm done wandering around in the dark! Stop gawking at me and get a move on!"

The Doctor muttered something I couldn't quite hear but the words 'mood swing' were audible. I decided to stop resisting my inner child for a moment and I shoved a good piece of mud down the Doctor's collar. I'm pretty sure the scream was audible from the moon. Of course we had to run like hell because we'd just attracted the attention of the guards, but it was worth it to see the look on Mr Superior-Alien-Lifeform's face. And so we headed towards the Galik chief's chamber and I was pretty sure the Doctor was in the mood for one of his trademark showdowns. Everything seemed to be back on track. Provided the Doctor's plan worked. I wasn't totally positive about that though. My first reaction upon hearing it was to voice this sentiment again:

"What?!"

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	3. 15 things: Entry 5&6

Disclaimer: Doctor Who and The Doctor are the property of the BBC and I dont own thembut my evil plan to kidnap the Doctor is progressing well!! Muhahahahaha!!

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**Entry 5:**

Bloody hell, it's been ages since I wrote in this journal. I've decided to give it a name: A companion's guide to travelling with the Doctor. No, wait. That sounds too posh. Uhhm lessee. . . 15 quotes here. . . Man! I never want to hear him say that again! Or _that!_ Huh. . . how about: 15 things you never want to hear again. Yep, that works. I guess if anyone who comes after me has other good stories they can just change the number. Cool. OK then. Where was I anyway? Oh yeah. . . running away from mudmen guards. Who wouldn't have noticed us escaping our cell if I hadn't shoved cold sludgy muck down the back of the Doctor's neck. But come on! He'd insulted my brother's homemade mints! He totally deserved it!

So anyway, we managed to lose our pursuers after a few twists and turns. Unfortunately this meant that we also got lost. He-Who-_Totally_-Deserved-To-Have-Muck-Shoved-Down-His-Collar protested this when I mentioned it to him. "Sam we are not lost, I don't do lost. I know exactly where we are. Just. . . not where everything else is, that's all." Would it surprise anyone to find out that I sighed heavily and rolled my eyes to heaven at this statement? No? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Since we were lost, and we were, whatever the Doctor might say, I decided to take a quick dekko around the room we'd stepped into to lose the guards. Basic mud room it was. (Crap! I'm channelling Yoda again! Stupid Star Wars Marathon on Sky One! Why did the Doctor have to like the prequel movies! _Why? _And no, I couldn't refuse to watch them with him, that'd be mean! Plus he used the puppydog eyes Look and bribed me with chocolate and toffee. OK?!) Whoops, gone waaay off track there. . . I've just lost all shreds of my dignity haven't I? No, **don't** answer that.

Right. So then. Mud room. Quite dark, low ceiling, walls of mud (obviously) and faint light coming from the weird crystals that the Doctor said the Galiks used the way we'd use light bulbs. Since we had a few moments breather from being chased by guards I decided to have a closer look at the crystals. I didn't think there'd be a problem. After all, the Doctor hadn't warned me to stay away from them or anything. Mind you, he was a little preoccupied with getting various bits of mud out of the sonic screwdriver at that particular moment, but hey, I'm curious, and it's not like they looked explosive or anything. So I walked right up to the nearest one, which happened to be quite a bit bigger then the others and poked it. This proved to be a mistake.

Turns out that the bigger crystals weren't just bad light bulbs. Apparently they're controls as well. In this case they were secret cupboard controls. I got one of the biggest shocks of my life when a compartment in the wall slid open and a skeleton fell on me. A flipping _skeleton_! I am proud to say that I did _not_ scream. I just went "Holy 'beeep'" and pushed it away. And what did the Doctor do upon finding out a skeleton fell on me? Did he say, "don't worry Sam, it's all right, everything's okay". Noooo. He gave me a disapproving look and told me that swearing is rude. (Bet he'd have been more sympathetic if I was _blonde)_ Really though, this from the man who never knows he's being rude until he gets punched in the face! I mean, hello? It's a flipping _skeleton_. And it flaming fell on me! Most people would say it's acceptable to swear in that situation. But He-Who-Always-Complains-About-His-Hair-Not-Being-Ginger criticises my manners! You'd swear we were actors on a family TV show where swearing isn't allowed!

Once he'd finished lecturing me about my language the Doctor went over to the skeleton, took one look at it, said "human", decided the wall compartment was more interesting, put his glasses on, crouched down and started inspecting that. By the way, he doesn't actually _need_ those glasses. He just wears them because he thinks they make him look intelligent. (Why a nine hundred year old alien smarter than Stephen Hawking has to resort to that sort of posing is beyond me, but we've all got our little flaws I guess.) 'Course I wasn't really bothered about the Doctor's posing at that moment. No, I was far too busy being freaked out by the fact that the bones were human. The Doctor had said that the Galiks kept people_ alive_, which was why I had agreed to go along with his 'let's get captured' plan in the first place. And now skeletons were falling out of the walls. Great. Just great.

I've got to admit that at this point I was kinda ready to have a panic attack again, y'know because of the random skeletons and stuff. I mean, who wouldn't? Besides the Doctor of course. Anyway I backed away from the skeleton and walked over to the Doctor. He was still inspecting the wall compartment thingy, frowning at it as if it had personally offended him, and scanning it with the sonic screwdriver. Poking him in the back to get his attention I asked (politely) why there had been bits of a decomposed human in the wall of a base belonging to a bunch of aliens, that Mr. Know-It-All had specifically said needed _living_ captives.

"I haven't the faintest idea, he said to me, far too cheerfully in my opinion, considering we were trapped underground with no TARDIS and a bunch of psycho mudmen. "Unless they've been on earth a very long time and grabbed Joe Bones here when they first arrived, and if that was the case why have they waited until now to begin their little invasion? What have they been waiting for? And why is this glorified closet giving off such odd readings!"

"Dunno. I was unconscious while you were talking to the Galik chief remember? Didn't he gloat and tell you his evil plan while laughing dramatically like they usually do?" This is an actual fact by the way. Nine out of ten evil guys will let you in on their diabolical scheme while gloating that they are invincible and laughing Darth Vader-style. Remember to bring pen and paper: you may be able to take notes if you're lucky.

"Unfortunately not" the Doctor informed me. "They got access to the Internet for a few minutes somehow and he managed to read part of the Evil Overlord List." Well, crap. Mudman #1 was apparently halfway intelligent.

I hoped this wouldn't screw up the Doctor's plan and I said so. He grinned and told me not to worry, that when it came to ingenious plans he held the galactic record. Then he yelled "Aha!" Apparently he'd figured out why the compartment was giving off weird readings. I'd give you the explanation, but to be honest it was all technical stuff about how the alien base was designed. I stopped listening after he said, "neural pathways of the living organic base were all connected in zygomatic process." Here's a good tip: when you're with the Doctor and he starts going on like this then your best option is to go "Ah", nod knowingly and then change the subject completely. It usually works well in stopping the technobabble before you go clinically insane, and as a bonus it prevents condescending Looks.

Having got his answer about the wall cupboard thing, the Doctor stood up from his crouch and declared that it was high time we got to the assimilation module chamber and used his plan to put a stop to the little planetary invasion thing the Galiks had going on. So we both turned towards the doorway. And stopped dead. Turns out that the Doctor's yell of triumph moments earlier had attracted some attention. The guards were back and they did _not_ look like happy campers. In fact they looked downright furious. I believe my exact thought at that moment was 'oh crud'.

We were taken prisoner again in fairly short order and the mud guy who seemed to be the one in charge announced that they would be taking us in front of the chief again. There was a bit of 'cower brief mortal' stuff thrown in too but I was too busy yelling about my ruined jacket at the ones who'd grabbed me. You can get melodramatic threats everyday but my jacket was a one-of-a-kind from the seventy-first century. And now it was covered in even _more_ foul smelling mud. Sometimes life just isn't fair. That chief should've watched out, because now _someone_ was going to have to pay. Preferably in cash so I could buy a new jacket.

The Doctor had been surprisingly quiet while I was yelling so when I finished I gave him a curious look. He was planning something again. Something big. You can always tell. The key is the size of his grin. The one he was wearing now was probably visible on Pluto.

**Entry 6:**

I used to have a quiet life. I had routine days. I went to lectures. I studied. I came home and ate dinner. And then one day I ran into this guy who lives in a phone-box. Sayonara quiet life! It was nice knowing you! Rarely does an hour go by now without Mr. Skinny and I running for our lives. Today was no exception. So, covered in slime, having fallen in one too many cooking pits, very in need of a break and desperately in need of a hot shower I convinced the Doctor to take a day off from the travelling in time and space. So he's under the floor of the control room doing TARDIS maintenance and yours truly is taking a well-deserved rest, cleaning off the slime and updating this journal. Aaahh peace and quiet. . . At least until the Doctor gives up on repairing stuff that doesn't explode.

(Please Note: Whenever the Doctor is doing TARDIS maintenance, there will invariably be a lot of banging. For some reason he 'repairs' the most complex ship ever with an old wooden mallet. If anyone ever comes up with a logical reason for this, please let me know, I may just give you a reward for solving the Mallet Mystery.)

Alrighty then, where was I. . . Oh right, the mudmen recapturing us. . . what happened then?. . .ummm. . . Oh yeah, that. OK then. Like I said we'd been brought in front of the Galik chief and he was doing his 'cower puny humans' speech. Which was kind of daft because I'm pretty tall for a girl and the Doctor's not human. I guess Galik 1.0 forgot about that. But whatever. So then, the boss mud was finishing up his 'terrifying' speech. . . and that was when he made a fatal mistake. He asked if there was anything we wished to say before our. . . ahem, 'inevitable' demise. The minute I heard him say that, I barely managed to keep from exploding with laughter. Because if there's one thing a potential villain should never do it's invite the Doctor to start talking. Seriously. Once he gets going on morality and righteousness and well, anything really, it is _impossible_ to shut him up. Unless you have a banana. (Try to keep one with you at all times. I mean it, it's one of the only ways to avoid drowning in 'Doctor-speak')

Having actually been _invited_ to talk, the Doctor does so with all the enthusiasm of. . . something. . . really. . . enthusiastic. . . (Look it's been a long day and green 9-foot monkeys were trying to eat me earlier. You try coming up with good metaphors after something like that.) Anyway. . . He-Who-Never-Shuts-Up started asking questions. Starting with "What are you lot doing on earth?" and moving onto "Why did you wait so long before starting your invasion? We found one of your captives in the wall by the way; from the looks of him he's been here a _very_ long time. 100 years at least. So. . . what? You lot landed here a century ago, took one specimen for assimilation and then decided to take a 100-year nap and finish the invasion later? Hey, Sam what d'you think?"

"Laziest. Invaders. Ever." was my considered technical opinion.

"Well said!" The Doctor gave me one of his happiest grins. You know, the kind he does when he's really having fun and even more life-threatening danger is a possibility. Yeah. That one. And more danger is definitely a possibility because Galik #1 is not looking happy. In fact he looked. . . ok well, as a matter of _fact _I thought he looked pretty constipated. But then, I've never been very good at reading alien body language. I'm sure everyone else thought he looked angry, but I digress. Anyway he starts going on about how the hundred-year gap between victims is not the fault of the Galiks. (They're _so _superior to humans that nothing is their fault, apparently.)

Mudboy complained about how their ship crashed because the solar orbit of the earth is faulty (or something like that, I never pay attention to the technical stuff) and the poor guy who's bones we'd found had been in the area, seen the 'falling star' and decided to investigate, but was promptly caught and assimilated, the unlucky sod. But the ship was damaged from the crash and went on automatic shutdown before they could stop it and spent 100 years repairing itself. All the while, all the occupants got stuck in stasis, and the unfortunate human stuck in the assimilation pod died of suffocation once the pod life support cut-out (apparently life support is not wasted on captives during an emergency) and then decomposed. And a playground was built on top of it. Charming, don't you think? So it's 100 years later, the ship's finished it's repairs and the invasion of earth is back on. Cheers all round. End of mudman rant.

It's at this point that I started yawning. This offended mudguy #1. I s'pose he was expecting me at least to be awed or frightened, but when you've seen your brothers spend Christmas Day standing on the roof with a giant spaceship overhead, mere planetary invasion ceases to be impressive. Anyway, seeing that all his speechifying impressed no one, Galik 1.0 announced that now the repairs had been completed, the Galiks would be able to safely assimilate the Doctor without his TimeLord abilities corrupting the process. (How 'bout that. The Doc wasn't kidding about the superior intellect thing. Huh.) Sensing that this would not be a good thing to have happen, I started yelling and struggling again but since the mudheaps are inhumanly strong I really didnt achieve much and the Doctor and I still got dragged to the assimilation chamber. (My thoughts at that particular moment consisted of unprintable obscenities.)

So then, we'd just been brought into the 'Assimilation Chamber' (Mudguy#1 actually managed to pronounce the capital letters. I wish I could do that) and seeing as the Doctor was just about to be assimilated by shape shifting aliens with severe hygiene problems, the situation was not looking good. In a nice contrast to the situation, the chamber itself looked very impressive. It was a big round room with a lot of cocoon shaped pods on the walls with nice looking patterns between them. Lots of glowing crystals and panels too, sorta like stars. Very pretty place, considering it was built by a species made out of mud. It looked like it was the most open place on the ship. Also, the floor was purple. I like purple.

But anyway, getting back to the story, the Galik guards were dragging the Doctor over to one of the nearest pods and trying to push him in. They were having a bit of trouble with this because the Doctor, understandably not being keen on being replaced by a smelly shape shifter, was struggling like hell. For such a skinny guy he can suddenly turn almost supernaturally strong when he's desperate. (There is _no_ getting between him and the last banana, believe me.) But eventually the Galiks succeed, and in went the Doctor. The second he was in the pod he slumped, unconscious, and some kind of glass sheeting covered him and the pod starts to glow. I was feeling a teensy bit upset by this so I reacted by screaming every curse and expletive that I know at the Galik chief. (Including the few alien ones I've managed to pick up whenever I was sure that the Doctor was definitely of earshot.)

That's when things got creepy. The Galik chief started to glow like the pod. And then, a few seconds later I ran out of curses. I could only stare in shock, at someone who was the spit image of my best friend. The Galik grins. It's incredibly disturbing, because even though this guy was now the Doctor's double he _isn't _the Doctor. I think I'll call him Anti-Doctor. How about that? Anyway, seeing That Grin on what is really somebody else's face? It's just wrong. Incredibly _wrong_. Just as I felt like I was going to drown in the complete _wrongness_ of the situation the Anti-Doctor opened his mouth, presumably to try out the Doctor's voice. _That's_ when things got really weird.

I ended up staring in shock for a few seconds and then nearly exploding with laughter. I don't know why the assimilation got the Doctor's voice wrong, but it did. Horribly so. For some reason every second sentence that came out of Anti-Doctor's mouth made him sound as if he's from the north of England. Also every _first_ sentence came out sounding Scottish for some bizarre reason. There was no trace whatsoever of the Doctor's normal voice. I managed to point out, while sniggering uncontrollably, that if their assimilation machine did _that_ to the voice of everyone they controlled they'll only be able to take over the world because everyone else will be helpless due to laughing their butts off.

It's at this point that something else started to go wrong for the Galiks. The crystals on the walls stopped their orderly flashing and begin to behave like bad strobe lighting at a demented disco. Then the sound of explosions reached the chamber. Everyone, including Anti-Doctor stood there with their mouths open, as one by one the pods start to collapse on themselves. Lucky for me the guards who were holding me let go in surprise when the crystals started doing their bad impression of disco lighting. So, being the good friend that I am I rushed over to the Doctor's pod and started banging like hell on it to make him wake up. The pseudo-glass turned out to be really thin. After a couple of good whacks it shattered. Unfortunately for He-Who-Claims-He-Invented-Video-Recording the shattering took me by surprise and my momentum made me accidentally punch him in the gut. But at least I woke him up, right?

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Reviews please?


	4. 15 things: Entry 7&8

Disclaimer: And I'm back! I still do not own Doctor Who however! I'd just perfected a plan to kidnap Russell T Davies when the BBC gave his job to Steven Moffat. Now I'll have to start planning my evil scheme all over again. Damn, damn, damn!

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**Entry 7:**

I finally found my journal!! Yay!! I swear, you get kidnapped and cryogenically frozen for a few weeks, and next thing you know the TARDIS has rearranged your room. Im not sure Ill ever find my watch. Poor watch. It must be feeling lost and all alone. Forever abandoned in the cavernous depths of the TARDIS. Never knowing if it will ever again tell the time or see the light of day! Oh, the tragedy! Woe is I!! No, wait, there it is on the bookshelf. Where I left it. Yep, being cryo-frozen really messes up the brain cells.

What was it I was writing in here again? Oh yeah, the mudman incident. Really should have finished writing about that incident by now. Damn ice-people from Mars and their stupid cryogenics! I kept hallucinating that I was stuck in a hall doing college exams! Eurgh! Still, could have been worse. At least the Doctor turned up and did the rescuing routine. . . eventually. (I swear, next time its going to be _him_ stuck in a cryo-pod for weeks! See how he likes it!)

All right, so Id woken the Doctor up and got him out of the assimilation pod (by accidentally punching him in the gut, but never mind that). The important thing was that hes awake. Anyway, seeing as the Galik ship was coming down around our ears I think He-Who-Eats-Fried-Banana had bigger things to worry about than his sore stomach. Like the fact that the Galiks and their Anti-Doctor leader were currently roaring at us, and scarily so, I might add. Due to Anti-Doctors ridiculous mix of accents, not to mention all the destructive sounds coming from all corners of the ship I couldnt really hear what he was saying. I expect it was something along the lines of Dont let them get away! Kill the Doctor! Etc, etc, It usually is. And of course, on top of the angry mudmen there was the small problem of the whole ship crumbling to bits and about to _bury us alive_. Or did I mention that already?

Please Note: When being yelled at by the evil alien overlord of the week, itll _always_ be: Kill the Doctor and the girl/boy/human/random lifeform!! Kill them!! No one is _ever_ going to say: Kill _Sam_ and the skinny guy in the suit!!" (Who NEVER gains any weight despite eating chips for almost every meal!! So not fair.) As far as evil overlords are concerned anyone with the Doctor is just a fancy accessory. I feel so devalued and ignored sometimes.

So there we were, about to be eaten by angry mudmen or possibly crushed to death first. And what did the Doctor A.K.A my only hope, do? He smiled, (admittedly in a rather pained manner) and said looks like my plans working then. Yours truly felt like saying: Er, excuse me Doctor? _What_ plan? You never even got around to telling me the plan _or _putting any plan into action, as far as I can see! Hellooo the roof is falling in!! And theres an angry evil-twin version of you coming towards us with his army of mudmen!! Just admit it! You had no plan!! Unfortunately, before I got to say anything he pulled me sideways before a piece of roof fell on me. Thus my great rant against annoying smug Time-Lords turned into Urrk, Arrgh!! Dont you just hate it when your rant is stopped before you even get going?

Anyway, just after hed prevented me from getting splattered by falling bits of roof the Doctor finally seemed to notice his evil twin and the rampaging angry mudmen that were headed straight for us. So he resorted to his old stand-by plan. He grabbed my hand and said Sam? RUN! So we did. Important Note: Accepting an invitation to travel with the Doctor means that you are signing up for an amount of running that would make even a professional long-distance marathon runner give up his sport in tears. _You have been warned._

The Galik ship, in case Ive not mentioned, was a complete maze. So I had no idea where we were headed. The TARDIS was still out of mercury and couldnt move. Plus of course, she was halfway across London so its not like we could run around the corner and find her standing there. The Doctor seemed to know where we were going though, so I concentrated on following him while dodging the various bits of falling roof that were hurtling towards my head and hoped he wouldnt lead us straight into more trouble. If youve been with He-Who-Is-An-Industrial-Strength-Trouble-Magnet for as long as I have though, you wont be surprised to know I was holding out about as much hope as a fish in a desert.

Then we rounded a corner. There was the TARDIS. Tall, blue, square and very definitely right in front of us. Cue one confused cry of What the _hell_? from me and one smug I told you my plan was working! from the Doctor. (I didnt even get to rant! Rotten, smug, know-it-all, skinny show-off, thinks hes _so_ impressive. . .) er. . . anyway. . . moving on, we rushed inside the TARDIS, shutting the doors just before the Doctor's evil twin and his muck army could reach us. Whereupon I demanded an explanation from the smug git in the blue suit.

All right then, this is the technical bit, so like Jennifer Aniston used to say in the Shampoo add, concentrate. According to Trouble-In-Pinstripes, all the systems in Galik ships are connected. Apparently if you, for example, start scanning a skeleton-containing wall cupboard with oh a sonic screwdriver maybe, then you can affect the system controlling, for example, the assimilation pods, so that even if the Galiks adjust them to deal with assimilating _species-with-superior-intelligence _(yeah right, as if!) they will still malfunction providing opportunity for escape.

Also, if you are quote/unquote clever (hah!) its possible to hide the fact that the systems have been messed with. Until of course, the whole place starts collapsing, which the Doctor admitted was a bit of a giveaway. Cue sarcastic Ya think? from me. This still didnt explain the how the TARDIS had turned up in the underground spaceship when wed left it halfway across London with no mercury, which _somebody_ had said she couldn't operate without.

The Doctor's expression got even more self-congratulatory when I demanded further explanation. He produced an odd ball shaped technical thingy from his pocket and proudly proclaimed "TARDIS recall device" in a very-pleased-with-his-own-brilliance type of voice.

"Say what?" I responded suspiciously.

"TARDIS recall device, he repeated proudly. "It's like a remote control for the TARDIS. All I have to do is press this button and it sends a signal to the old girl. She homes in on it, and automatically lands as near to the source of the signal as she can. Isn't that brilliant!"

The Doctor's self-satisfied grin was really irritating me by now. "Doctor?" I asked, in my very nicest tone of voice, which I reserve for occasions on which I wish to inflict serious bodily harm on the people I'm talking to. "I thought the whole point of us landing back on earth was to find some mercury, right? Which _you_ expressly said the TARDIS cannot move without, right?" Trouble-on-Legs nodded carefully as he realised that I was not a happy camper at the moment. "So if the TARDIS was out of mercury how did the recall-ball work? Hmm? If you didn't need to go back to earth for mercury, then is there any good reason for my favourite outfit being covered in the _most foul disgusting muck known to man_?"

All traces of self-satisfiedness were now gone and He-Who-Neglects-To-Mention-Important-Details-_Every-Damn-Time _started to talk really fast like he always does when he's trying to justify his mistakes. There was a lot of Err. . ing and Ahh. . ing for half a minute and then he got around to putting a coherent sentence together. "Ah. . . well. . . I never said we were _completely_ mercury-less Sam. I said the supply was dangerously low. Fortunately for us there was enough left in the old fluid links for one last journey. That's why the recall-ball worked. Great name by the way. Well done. Did you ever meet someone called Ianto Jones? Great man for naming things. Doesn't like me very much for some reason, probably Jack telling stories. . ." The last bit was the Doctor muttering to himself rather than me, so I decided to interrupt him before he got into a long conversation with himself. (Yes he does do that. Try to distract him early or you won't be able to stop him monologuing for hours.)

"Doctor?" I interrupted as loudly as was politely possible. (See! I do have manners!) "You specifically said 'We're out of mercury'. You did _not_ say 'We're nearly out of mercury'. I remember it clearly. Feeling so nauseous that you want to eject your insides by sheer force of will concentrates the mind wonderfully, you know."

All I got in reply was "You sure?" plus one of the Doctor's biggest smiles. The one he gives people when he's trying to charm them into forgetting that he made a mistake. You'll see it regularly travelling with him. For the self-confessed, smartest man in the universe, he can be pretty dumb sometimes. Like forgetting that if he used up all the spare mercury to get the TARDIS to come to us, then there wasn't any left and ipso facto we were stuck in the TARDIS, in an underground spaceship full of angry mudmen who wanted to take over the earth and who were just outside our door. I pointed this out to him.

"Don't worry Sam!" I got in reply. "I have another plan." I groaned and gave him a Look.

**Entry 8:**

All right, so there we were in the TARDIS with an army of mudmen led by the Doctor's evil twin outside, doing their best to bash in the door. I wasn't too worried about them actually breaking in, you understand. (According to He-Who-I-Have-Never-Known-To-Take-A-Bathroom-Break the TARDIS's doors are pretty much unbreakable.) It's just that the TARDIS was _really _out of mercury this time and the underground Galik ship was falling to pieces around her. So if the Doctor's brilliant plan wasn't, we were going to end up digging our way to the surface by hand. While dodging psychotic aliens who wanted to rip us to shreds for ruining their plans for world domination. An extra large shovel would be needed, I decided.

While I was thinking this, the Doctor continued to fiddle with the recall-ball. He had his screwdriver out and was doing some serious sonicing. Curious to know if this was part of his brilliant plan to save us from the hygiene-challenged shape-shifters I poked him and demanded some exposition. He explained that he was tuning the frequency of the device so that it matched the one the ship used when it went into stasis for repairs.

"Uh huh. Right. And that would be useful _how_ exactly?" I demanded. The Doctor gave one of his long-suffering sighs. He does that when he's explaining something that he thinks should be obvious. Unfortunately what's clearly obvious to the Doctor tends to be so much gobbledegook to me. So I get the exaggerated sighing a lot.

"Sam" the Doctor said slowly in his Explaining-Things-To-Species-Dumber-Than-Him voice, "the last time this ship got stasis'd for repairs, the Galiks went into stasis with it. So if I trigger another repair session. . . " He stopped and gave me an expectant look. I'd love to say that I avoided being so clich as to say "Ohhh" in tones of dawning comprehension, but I can't because I didn't.

So we've got a plan that might actually work. Hooray! I smiled back at the Doctor feeling confident for the first time since he'd proposed the 'Let's Get Captured' plan. However, the universe would never let the Doctor's life (or mine) be that easy. There's a slight snag with the plan, the Doctor informed me. But of course! Turned out that he had to set off the repair signal in the assimilation chamber. Which was, you may remember, at the other side of the ship busily falling to pieces. And of course there were angry mud-men and Anti-Doctor right outside the TARDIS doors. How silly of me to think that for once things might be sorted out easily.

**_Yeah that was pretty silly of you Sam. By the way you left your diary down the side of the chair in the Library. I assume this is what you were looking for when you turned your room in the TARDIS upside down yesterday? Interesting read. :-) - The Doctor_**

I've just found this note in my Journal. I'm going to calmly finish this entry. Then I'm going to the control room to have a word with Trouble-On-Legs about the finer points of respecting personal privacy. Then I'm going to kill him.

**Entry 8 Continued**

Right, so I've had a word with a certain someone about the definition of the word 'private' and how he is never to go near this journal or any of my stuff, or talk about it, or even mention it, to anyone ever, ever again, lest I put itching powder in his suit and food colouring in his shoes. I did decide not to kill him though. He promised to make waffles to make up for it. (Oh, and Doc? If you're reading this right now in spite of our Agreement then all I can say is that they'd better be some damned fantastic waffles. Or I will make your life a living hell as only a teenager knows how. Got it? )

Anywho, back to the story I was telling before _someone_ decided that other people's privacy didn't apply to him. (Which, to be honest, I should have seen coming. The Doctor seems to take signs such as 'Authorized Personnel Only' and 'Trespassers Will Be Prosecuted' as a challenge. So if you to travel with him then you'd better get used to being arrested. It's going to happen a lot. Fact.) OK then, He-Who-Is-A-Privacy-Invading-Jerk had just informed me that we needed to get back to the other side of the ship. Problem: There were mudmen right outside our front door. Question: How do we get around them? Answer (provided by He-Who-I-Suspect-Is-Totally-Insane): We don't. Exclamation: "Say what?"

The Doctor smiled reassuringly (smile #53: 'Don't worry, I have a brilliant plan, just go along with it, I'm so smart) at me while I ranted at him about the fact that there were evil alien nutcases out there waiting to tear us to shreds, and how could he even _suggest_ going out of the TARDIS without any sort of protection against said hygiene-challenged aliens, and as for his brilliant plans, how many of _those _had crashed and burned in the last half an hour, eh? Usually, when he give you smile#53 you generally get a reasonably decent explanation. I didn't. Just instructions and some disapproval. The lousy know-it-all just said, "Come on Sam! We're wasting time! The plan'll work. And by the way you're using the word 'alien' rather a lot. I'm one too you know. So are you from my point of view. It's really a rather offensive word when it's applied to oneself, you know?" And then he ran out the door. So I had to run after him. Nutter.

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Reviews please?


	5. 15 things: Entry 9&10

Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. But soon the world will be mine! Ahahahahaha!!

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**Entry 9: **

Important Note: Whatever you do, wherever you end up, there is one universal rule you should be aware of: Do Not Let The Doctor Cook Anything. Ever. It's not that he's a bad cook. Far from it. (Those were the best waffles I ever tasted.) It's just that, even if he's only making a ham sandwich, by the time he's finished your kitchen will be a wreck. _Never _let him cook in your own house. The insurance will _not_ cover it. Believe me. Suggest going for chips. This will work pretty well as the Doctor is currently addicted to said foodstuff.

However, since the Doctor A.K.A the cheapest guy ever, will almost never have the right currency on him for 21st century earth you'll be the one paying for a large chips, a burger-with-everything and water. (Do Not let him convince you to pay for a Coke. Just Don't. Caffeine and the Doctor are not a good combination.) Just put it in your budget as saving the world from a Doctor-related cooking catastrophe expense.

If you're not British, go to the Bureau De Change and get some Pounds Sterling pretty damn quick. Mention the word 'Tardis' and the staff there will be amazingly helpful. He won't go anywhere but Britain for chips. And he will not eat what I believe are known as 'Fries'. So McDonald's is out. (I pointed out that chips in Ireland are pretty much the same as in Britain but He-Who-Is-Almost-Perpetually-Hyper mentioned something about aliens and flesh-eating parasites. So I guess if I decide to leave the TARDIS and go back to Cork, I'll never be ordering chips in Supermac's again. Oh well.) End of Important Note.

Right then, back to the Case of the Men of Mud. (**Oooh, very Sherlock Holmes, Sam! -D)** Right after I re-explain the concept of PRIVACY to _someone_. Aaargh!

Okay. . . Now that the Doctor's busy trying to scrub paint stains out of his hair, I'll continue with the story...(I find anymore notes from him in here and there will be _war!_) All right then, the Doctor had come up with yet another crazy plan. He'd decided that we should surrender ourselves to the people who, moments ago had been chasing after us, intent on ripping us to shreds. There were a few other details to the plan as well, but they're not important right now. The Doctor had already rushed outside the TARDIS so I figured I'd better follow him. I wasn't really looking forward to the prospect of more mud, but I knew I'd better go help him or everyone on earth would get a permanent mud bath. Which would suck.

Anyway, I rushed outside and was promptly grabbed by slimy heaps of mud. But since everything I was wearing was already ruined beyond any hope of cleanliness I wasn't too mad this time. The Doctor had already been grabbed and for some reason was being held upside down and shaken. The sheer amount of junk falling out of his coat proved something I'd always suspected. His pockets are bigger on the inside. Whatever they thought he was hiding though, they couldn't find it. So Anti-Doctor, who still sounded like a cross between Gene Hunt and Sean Connery, ordered the guard guys to put him the right way up and bring us to the Assimilation Chamber so that he could maintain the Doctor's form which was apparently wearing off. His face did look a bit rubbery all right.

I couldn't help but notice that the place was no longer falling to pieces. As we were being dragged along I mentioned this to the Doctor. "Well, of course it's not Sam. That stuff earlier was just a little diversion." I pointed out that during 'that stuff earlier' I was nearly crushed by a falling roof. The Doctor waved his hand dismissively, muttering about 'minor complications' and 'bad Galik craftsmanship' but I'd already seen the guilty look flash across his face. He continued, "you didn't think I'd have triggered a massive failure in all systems that would have destroyed the ship and it's crew entirely did you? What kind of savage would do that?"

"Uhh...no idea," I lied. Because if you suggest a course of action along the lines of 'Why don't we just shoot them? They _are _trying to take over the world!' you'll be subject to a speech on the misuse of violence, a rant on stupid trigger-happy humans and a very disappointed Look. Curiously, he never mentions any of this stuff when he's blowing things up. To be honest it's the Look that I dread the most. So I take the better option in situations like these. I lie. It's amazing how often it works.

By now of course, we were back in the Assimilation chamber. I could see that the Doctor had been right about the Galik's need to top-up on genetic material in order to maintain their disguises. Anti-Doctor's face had progressed to looking like a melted halloween mask. As for when he tried to talk. . . well, you know that bit in The Matrix where Keanu Reeves asks the agent for his phone call, and his mouth goes all. . . melty. . . yeah, well mudman-supremo looked like that. It was beyond disgusting. I don't think the Doctor was too impressed either; it was _his _face after all. (If you ask me, he's a bit vain about his current face. Having seen pictures of the previous ones I can understand why. Not that they're bad. Some of 'em are pretty all right looking, even if they don't compare to the one he's got now. The outfits, on the other hand. . . _what_ was with the celery? Seriously, _what?_)

**It was handy if I wanted a snack in a hurry. And I'm quite fond of this face thank-you-very-much, She-Who-Leaves-Towels-On-The-Bathroom-Floor. Still wish I was ginger though. -D**

That. Is. It. Sorry, but any planet that needs saving in the future (or past) is going to have to save itself, because the Time Lords are about to become totally extinct. (How is he getting this stuff in my journal anyway? I only just wrote the last bit! And I do not leave towels on the floor! That only happened once! Because I was in the middle of the shower when He-Who-I-Am-About-To-Kill crashed the TARDIS into a Viking ship!)

**Entry 10:**

Right, so I've had a little chat with the TARDIS. It went something like this: I pointed out that the TARDIS had agreed to make sure the Doctor AKA Skinny-Pain-In-The-Mik'ta would not find my journal. TARDIS then pointed out that Sam-Doctor-friend agreed to put paper-memory-holder back on shelf and not stuff it down the side of chair like a lost TV remote. I conceded the point and apologised. TARDIS indicated that this was not good enough; TARDIS wasn't going to hide paper-memories from Doctor-pilot anymore. So I did the sensible thing and grovelled. TARDIS agreed to give Sam-Doctor-Friend one more chance. But only if Sam-human distracted Doctor-pilot's mind off of Rose-Bad-Wolf. TARDIS could feel Doctor-pilot starting to mope already. Moping Doctor-pilot meant bad repairs. And mallet use. TARDIS does NOT like mallet.

In order to get my privacy back I agreed to distract the Doctor. I also promised to fill a bucket with marshmallows and leave it on the third-left cupboard in the kitchen. I don't know exactly what happens, but if you do that and then come back 15 minutes later, the bucket'll be empty and the TARDIS's background hum will be a lot softer and somehow. . . fluffy. (I'm not exactly sure how to tell the Doctor that his sentient timeship has a marshmallow addiction. If I'm lucky I'll never have to.) Hopefully it did the trick and there'll be no more Doctor-comments in here.

Anyway, as you may remember, we were once again in the Assimilation Chamber. For about the third time Galik chief-guy was doing his speechifying about how puny humans would soon be slaves, the earth would be conquered, and he could finally use his Tesco coupons in public. (Don't ask about the last bit. You wouldn't believe me. You just _wouldn't._) As the damage from the Doctor's earlier bit of technological messing had stopped, and the Doctor had been searched and found not to have anything that could interfere with the ship's mainframe, Galik #1 declared that they would finally assimilate the Doctor properly and nothing would stop the GLORIOUS CONQUEST OF THE EARTH! HAHAHAHA!!! Blah blah blah, yackety smackety.

So the Guards once again shove the Doctor into an assimilation-pod-thingy. And once again there was a shloop sound, pseudo-glass covered him and the Doctor went still. Bummer. Anti-Doctor's face started to solidify again, which was annoying because he had a really smug look on his face. I seriously wanted to hit him. He could tell by looking at me too, because he oozed over and started to gloat at the 'puny human' about the fact that 'your precious Doctor is under MY control! Mwahahahaha!' (Excuse me, but _ew._ The Doctor isn't my _precious_ anything! He's not my damn boyfriend for Petes sake! Oh, ew, ew, ew. Bad thought, bad thought, _bad thought!_ Oh gross! Industrial strength mind-bleach needed! ASAP!)

**I'm insulted! I'll have you know that many people consider me wildly attractive! -D**

Aaargh! Doctor! Stay _out!_ (And I'll bet those people weren't aware that you're 900 years old! You dirty old man! Aargh! I need to go scrub my brain. With gravel!) Note to self: Bigger bucket of marshmallows is clearly needed.

**Entry 10: cont'd**

Moving on, moving on, (with all possible speed!) here comes _my_ moment of revenge and triumph, so pay attention. Mudman Chief was still gloating at me when he said, "Now comes our moment of triumph! We shall conquer this miserable world, and with its resources we will found an Empire! We shall return home to the cheers of our people! All of the Galikafob system shall revere us as heroes! What do you say to _that_, miserable human?" (Aaand, here comes the bit with the Doctor's plan actually working and me being totally cool. Yay me!)

"I say it's too bad your people gave up conquering the universe in favour of making piles of money off of the intergalactic postcard market about, oh, seventy years ago."

"WHAT?"

" Yup. You can ask the Doctor if you don't believe me. Postcards. Best this side of the horse head nebula apparently. You should consider posing for one. I bet a lot of the girls back home would love it. Much more than a conquered planet anyway. According to the Doc, your people declared that universal domination was so _pass_ about a year after they conquered the postcard market."

By the time I finished saying this Anti-Doctor had turned purple with anger. And I don't mean that in the metaphorical sense. His skin was bright purple. (Note to self: Purple skin is not a good look for the Doctor. Keep him away from body paint.)

"Lies! Do not insult my intelligence human!"

"Buddy, you already insulted your own intelligence when you searched the Time Lord but not the Human because you assumed I wasn't a threat. I can _always_ pose a threat!" And while I was saying this piece of impressive dialogue I pulled out the sonic screwdriver, the Recall-Ball-turned-Stasis-Signal-Device and started pressing on the screwdriver's 'on' switch like mad. Anti-Doctor made a lunge for me but it was too late. The ship had already gone into stasis, and just like the Doctor had said they would be, the Galiks were frozen too. (According to He-Who-Whose-Gelled-Hair-Is-A-Fire-Hazard this happened because they have some kind of mud-based computer chip installed in their bodies, so that if the ship is so badly damaged it needs to shut down, they do too to prevent themselves being injured by the damages to the ship.)

So there I was standing in a ship full of mudmen turned statues when it occurred to me that the life-support systems designed to keep oxygen-breathing prisoners alive, were also shutting down. And I was thirty feet underground in a spaceship made out of mud. Cue mad dash to the assimilation pod to pull the Doctor out followed by mad dash back to the TARDIS. Followed by a sigh of relief and a sit down on the captain's chair in the control room. But only for about two seconds because He-Who-Was-Not-Half-As-Mud-Covered-As-Me-The-Lucky-_Sod_ told me to get off it before I destroyed the furniture with my mud covered clothes. Jerk.

So, outside the TARDIS doors there was an alien spaceship full of angry frozen mudmen. Who would soon unfreeze and become even angrier. And Trouble-In-Trousers was busy muttering about the state of his sonic screwdriver. ("Honestly Samantha, you're only to press gently on the switch, not squash it to death. _And_ there's mud in the circuitry again! I'd only just cleaned that out! Yada, yada, yada.") So I prodded him and reminded him of the freshly frozen Galiks outside. He made an 'Oh yeah, them' sort of face and said not to worry, he'd sent a signal to their postcard-making fellows who should be turning up pretty soon. That was when I heard the 'shunk' sound that heralds the presence of a teleporter and the Doctor pointed to the monitor on the TARDIS's control panel. The Galiks outside were disappearing in little shafts of life.

The Doctor beamed at me. "Lovely! Isn't it Sam? Their new friends will take them home and they can start a new life as the premier makers of inappropriate postcards! I love it when things work out peacefully. Don't you?"

It was at this point that I spotted a problem with all this. The Galik spaceship was still thirty feet underground. There were no tunnels to the surface. The TARDIS had no mercury. And there was no oxygen left in the ship surrounding us, so we couldn't dig our way to the surface even if we had shovels, which we didn't. We were stuck. I said all this to the Doctor. All I got in response was "Ahh. That is a problem." Really Doctor? _Ya think?_

The upshot was that he upgraded my phone, and made a quick call to Torchwood 3 in Cardiff. We spent two days in the TARDIS before they dug us out, during which I discovered why the TARDIS is so large. It's so that there's enough space to get away from the Doctor for a while, so that you don't go crazy and kill him out of sheer frustration. Anyway, once they dug us out I got to meet Torchwood 3. It consisted of Ianto Jones, Gwen Cooper and Captain Jack "And _who _are _you? _Stop It!" Harkness. He handed the Doctor a vial of mercury with a wink so suggestive that it would get anyone else arrested for public indecency, and said that if we ever needed more he'd be_ very_ glad to see us around Cardiff.

The Doctor glared at him, said "Thanks Jack, lovely to see you, we've got to be going, Bye now!" and pushed me inside the TARDIS before sticking his head out the door and saying something to Jack along the lines of "Stop trying to poach my companions. No, Sam would _not_ be interested in a job in Cardiff!" And then he shut the door, rushed up to the console, grinned, and said, "Right! Where to now? Past or future? Your choice!"

"Actually I was hoping to go to the chipper."

* * *

Doctor: And it's over. The first part of 15 things you never want to hear again has been finished! What will happen next time! Will the Doctor finally drive Sam insane? Will someone else be joining the TARDIS? Wil there be a surprise special guest (and her turtles) in the second part? Will I shut up and run for my life before the author tries to strangle me?

Sam: Read and Review please! It makes chibi!Doctor happy!


End file.
